5:45 am

I cannot believe I am up at this unreasonable hour. It starts promptly at about this time every morning. I am sleeping soundly, enjoying the last of my warm bed, the sun is just breaking through the clouds and and daylight just appearing. It's the part of living in this far away place that I like...until, of course CRIKIT wakes me up with her incessant kitty at sounding tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap....Mommy mommy mommy it looks like outside,please come open the door so we can see you, get in your warm bed and say good morning and then meow until I am forced from bed to go get them breakfast.

Why can't I teach my animals to open doors, feed themselves. empty their own litter box and water themselves? How hard can it be? Molly gets excited when they wake up and scratch at the door....and god forbid I decide to move my shoes or grab my pants because I am COLD because THAT leads these frolicking furry pets to think that it the best of part of the day...time for Mom to get dressed in like 4 layers of clothes and take Molly out to the mountain to fun and play

My favorite part of Saturday is one thing....NO RADIATION toaday! My back still aches from yanking the side handle from my van off and landing about 3 feet from the van last week. Anyone want to volunteer a massage for my hurting back?

Still.....It's Saturday!

After first day of radiation...

I am home, but got sick on my way back home. At first, I felt good, well not great, but I felt hungry, so I ate, and then my ride wanted to stop at the grocery store so I went to get a roll of quarters for laundry and practically knocked over a guy getting to the bathroom quick enough to avoid a "clean-up on aisle 2"...lol.

I tried eating a few small bites of food at home but once again did not feel well and laid down in a warm bath for about 1/2 hour. That felt good. Then I tried some butternut squash soup from Laura and Paul....just a few bites, then I waited. About 30 minutes later I tried another couple bites with a half a slice of bread. That was it for me...not a lot for a whole day for eating, but I will do better tomorrow.

What I am most worried about is the energy and life sucking effect that radiation has on me. It also screws with my organs near the area of the tumor.

It's times like this that I wish I had someone to put their arms around me through the night. Someone to put comforting arms around me at night to let me know I am safe, for the next few hours. Molly frequently jumps up and gets in front of me and I am quite surprised to find a big warm hairy dog in bed with me, however, it's not exactly what I am looking for....but my best friend does try, but she's still a dog.

Thanks for reading. I'll keep up with the posting with the rest of my battle with sarcoma.

One thing is certain....SARCOMA DOES NOT DEFINE ME!

Radiation

Sorry for the long time without writing. I was so tired of complaining and sounding so pitiful. But I got a few notes from people saying they missed my blog, so I decided to start writing again.

So apparently the clinical trial I was on was not working because I have a significant new tumor in the site of the primary tumor. They decided to let me do the radiation here near my new apartment. For right now they are saying it will be 10 weeks of daily radiation...well, except when the office is closed, like Saturday and Sunday.

Radiation the last time was quite hard on me, it made me sicker than chemo. I had physical problems as well, so I am afraid of radiation. I know its stupid, but I keep hoping someone has made a mistake and I actually don't have cancer. You see, there are stages after getting the news you have cancer. I started writing the order of what I think the stages are when it dawned on me, I don't the order! I started with shock and emotional breakdown. Then I went to denial. Then I went to the part I thought I would be the one that would survive and never have any sign of cancer again. Then I went back to denial again, then emotional breakdown and now I seem to go day to day with one the above.

So, my next post will be in about 4 hours. After I have gone to radiation (9 different directions of radiation) and promise to write regularly again, if you will promise to read my blog. Also, comments on my blogs are always welcomed!

Love you all! Keep me in your thoughts at 2:30 today!

Sandy

FDA Recalls

I am back having chemo. It has been six weeks since my last chemo, so since the cut off is six weeks, it had to go yesterday, which it did. My blood barely cleared the requirements. I was so very sick last night. The nausea drugs that I had been taking before, Emend and Sancusco Patch have been discontinued, or recalled by the FDA...makes me wonder about the safety of those drugs that I took everytime I had chemo since April.

So I laid in a tub last night, sick sick sick from the effects of chemo. I feel horrible and the doctor was rude to me when he came in the room. First, I waited two hours to see the secondary doctor, Dr. Handifer. He came in and because I had gotten a prescription filled by a doctor 215 miles away 30 days before one time, he said he couldn't write the script for my meds because I have too many doctors. I was so upset. I told him, the guy I saw up north was a GP and was a one time doctor just for the meds, and Chawla's office told me to go there until I got back down south. He left me in the room for another hour because he had a more important patient....I guess I am not important.

Well, I have to take a shower and head back to the doctors to stop chemo.

Later!

Upper right quadrant pain

Today and for the last two days I have been suffering from upper right quadrant pain. I don't think it is a blockage, but it is hurting. I think it may be from throwing up so much from chemo. All I know if that I feel like crap...I liked my apartment until I got the internet guy here and he had me unload three bookcases and move them, to not have to have me move them at all. He cut a hole in my wall and I was afraid of spiders coming in, so a neighbor put silicone in the hole today. I ended up on the couch, with my messy apartment around me. I wish the internet guy would come back and put my bookcases back and then replace all the books back on them.

Well, one of my friends is going to get a cat scan. She has just found out she has cancer, so I am going with her to hold her hand...God knows I know about what she will be going through.

I have a re-certification for social security disability, which is more than 10 pages....dates, diagnosis, treatments, etc., how am I supposed to remember that crap?

Until later.

Chemo

Hello everyone.

I am here at Dr. Chawla's to get chemo. I always get a tummy ache before I come here...the morning of, actually and this morning was no different. They are running about trying to find my blood work results....acting as though they don't have them. Geeze...they are freaking me out.

I had an excellent visit with my darling grandkids yesterday. Brooke is such a character, she couldn't stop talking. She told me about halloween, and about her best friend Makayla. She also told me all of her teacher's names...she apparently loves preschool. Alyza came and sat on my lap, she is getting so big! When I was leaving she was fixing her hair in the mirror...it was poofy, but it was actually beautiful...she's so silly...she's growing up! Maddy came out briefly to say hello and give me a hug. The littlest guy, Chason has quite a personality. He was trying to do somersaults in the living room, making me laugh by scooting around on his head. He was a little wary of me at first, but warmed up quickly. It was so nice to see them all.

I got to see Shannon's photography. If you guys haven't already checked it out, please do. If you need professional photo's taken, see Shannon. She has honed her talents and does spectacular work! She had a client last night....at the beach at sunset. I am itching to see the shots she took.

I spent Thanksgiving with my parents, and then went to my sister, Diane's daughter's house. Nicole and Carlos had made their first turkey dinner and it was delicious. My dad made the turkey at Mom and Dad's house. We had some luscious sweet potatoes...one type with pecan's and brown sugar topping the baked goodness and another dish of sweet potatoes with a marshmallow topping. Dad also made stuffing inside the bird, which is my favorite, and Nicole had stuffing outside the bird. All in all, it was a wonderful Thanksgiving.

So, I am getting my chemo...God, I hate this. I will be sick tonight because I don't have a patch for nausea. I forgot it at home, but it falls off within a day or two anyway.

Sorry for the long span between postings. My internet connection will be hooked up later this week, so I will be better at it, I promise.

Here comes the icky chemo... watch it as it slides down the tubing into my body. Something from a sea squirt...that's what Yondelis is. I saw a sea squirt on a discovery channel yesterday....they are NOT pretty animals...they are brown and ugly, but I guess they have a property that keeps my tumors from growing, so I do what I must.

I guess this is all for now. I hate this part.

Another Scan

I had another scan today. I will find out the results later this week or early next week. I don't have time to worry this time because I am moving this week. I am moving 200 miles away from all family and friends. So, I won't know if it is the scan or the move that worries me the most.

Today I am renting a storage space just around the corner from the apartment and putting everything I don't have room for. I haven't moved in years, so this move is quite traumatic.

I have to rent a truck for Thursday and Friday and move all of my things by the weekend. Luckily, Wyatt is here to help me move, otherwise, I would have to hire a moving company...which I can't afford.

The only weird thing going on with my cancer is that I have a sore in my mouth. I haven't had one of those forever...I guess I have to call the doctor and let them know.

Busy packing...write more later.