Time for Chemo....

Tomorrow I am heading back to Santa Monica to get my next dose of chemo...I hate chemo. Part of me wants to fail the blood levels so that I can return home without the "purse" of chemotherapy on my shoulder, but the sensible side of me knows that if I don't have the blood levels to continue my chemo tomorrow, I risk the possibility of being dropped from the clinical trial. If that happens I have to go back to standard protocol chemo. I will lose my hair, spend seven days in the hospital every 21 days with harsher drugs being injected into my system. I remember the last time I went though chemo, barely. I took every drug they prescribed, xanax, ambien, morphine, norco, lexipro, etc., etc., etc...yeah, even that list is daunting, and that isn't all of the crap they gave me. I even had an implanted morphine pump.

In the middle of that standard treatment, I also had radiation and because of all the medications they had me on, I got into a collision, on my way to a radiation session...a collision I have almost no memory of. My son came in one evening and said "Mom, what happened to the car?". When I walked out to the car, I was horrified. The hood was held closed with a couple bungee cords. I could only remember fragments, like film clips. A guy running up and saying he saw the whole thing, that's it, that's all I remembered. Luckily, I did give the person my information and obviously, made it home safely, but I still wonder how I made it the rest of the way to my appointment, which required a couple miles on the freeway, with a hood that was smashed, unable to latch and then how I made it back home. I had no memory because I was under the influence of the above-mentioned drugs, it is also why I keep this journal this time and also why I do not take whatever the doctors feel like prescribing.

I think I took all of those drugs because I was afraid. I am probably more afraid this time, but I am also trying to be more responsible this time. I take pain meds as needed, not because I want to mask my fear. I don't take anti-depressants (although I think I might need them at times). I did take xanax every now and then in the first month or so of my re-diagnosis, but then stopped. I take sleeping pills every now and then, maybe once or twice a week.

I think the best change I made was deciding to write this blog. I will now have a permanent record of what I am going through...hopefully to read many years from now.

Okay, I got way off track, so tomorrow is chemo...I hate it, but I don't. but I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, and hope that I get to do that for a very long time.

That's all for tonight...

Couple Quarts Low....Again!

I went to get chemo yesterday and they did one of those finger prick tests to see how my blood was. Apparently, it was not so good because instead of them just giving me a shot or two and sending me home, they wanted to admit me. I convinced them that I would head straight to the hospital, get the units of blood and if my blood pressure did not get significantly better that I would stay, as requested.

My blood hemocrit was not even 8, which was what prompted them to insist on the blood transfusion. I had been feeling a little tired, but it wasn't like I was exhausted...I just felt sleepy, really sleepy!

My day started at 7:00am, or actually earlier, but I headed out to my doctor's in Santa Monica first thing in the morning, and by the time they finished their testing and wanted me to have some blood it was around 9:30am. I arrived at St. John's at 10:00 am. They did the type and cross match thing and told me (like I don't already know)...that I was AB+. They ordered the blood, had me sign the consent forms and about two hours later the blood arrived. It takes about two and a half hours to get one unit of blood...then you have to wait for the next unit to come from the blood bank place, so by the time I was done with the second unit of blood it was almost 7:00 pm. I had left home at about 7:00 am, so my day was definitely full.

I headed home and was exhausted by the time I arrived, so I just watched a little TV and collapsed. The doctor said to check back on Monday, so that's when I will go back.

Grand Canyon

When we sit and think about the beauty of our country, I don't think we actually are prepared for the jaw-dropping awe that you are in when you are standing in front of sights like the Grand Canyon. I saw the Grand Canyon yesterday morning. I watched as the sun rose over it and slowly revealed the beauty of the canyon. How did God create this masterpiece?

The park is undergoing some reconstruction and had some fences up to keep us out of some areas, but of course, I didn't let that keep me from entering. We were there so early in the morning, that no workers were there, so we slid in around the fence and got some other views of the majestic beauty of the Grand Canyon, that others cannot see, so I was smiling.

I was with Jackie and Miranda, so I should have expected them to surprise me, but I wasn't ready for Jackie jumping over the fence that goes around the perimeter of the canyon. She and Miranda ventured out onto this boulder that appeared to me to drop straight off, and a fall from which would have killed them, but there was another level just below her that would have easily caught her had she fallen...before I knew, however, I was begging her to come back to the safety of the other side of the fence. Before I knew, she dangled her feet over the edge of this boulder and before I knew, she was dancing on the boulder...scaring me and being frightened, I was crying, begging her to return to where I was. I finally calmed down and took pictures of the girls and I will post those to this website, and replace the blood transfusion pictures!

So today I am back at Dr. Chawla's, reality takes it's place back in my life. The nurse is here to take my blood and I am forced to remember that I have cancer. While I was on my trip, I was in pain almost constantly, but it was okay because I was seeing America. We went through California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma and finally, Missouri. We saw the petrified forest and the Grand Canyon while on the trip, but while in Missouri, oh my goodness...Jackie made it her job to make sure I saw as much as Missouri as I could in the short time there. We went to the St. Louis Zoo...FREE! Free! It is free everyday! It is huge! I got a couple videos while there, including one of two endangered wild horses that decided to try to make some babies while I taped them....funny! She also took me to Sculpture Park, this amazing park with a trail to walk on and these beautiful sculptures that were apparently donated to the park by different artists. I got pictures of those too.

Jackie also took me to Viviano's. If you ever go to St. Louis, be sure to stop in at this little Italian diner. I got Jackie's favorite, Pasta con Broccoli. It was delicious! It is family owned and it isn't one of those places where you take a seat and then order. You order at the counter and then take a seat and they yell out your order number....I wasn't ready for the explosion of taste that made it's home on my palate. I think they used a vodka sauce, the pasta was small shells, with broccoli and mushrooms and then it was topped with a healthy sprinkling of romano and parmesan cheeses. I am going to try to re-create it at home this week.

Okay, so the nurse said my platelets were extremely low, which justifies all the bruises I have seen on my body as of late. I have to get a shot to increase my levels and return on Thursday to hopefully get better results and receive my monthly dose of chemo.

I also have some more homework to do. I don't want my life to be a life of chemo every 21 days, so I have been told to check into a gamma knife with a radiologist to explore the possibility of removing my tumors without cutting me! Imagine that! I don't know how it is done, but it sounds like a plan to me!

So, no chemo today. Waiting on the doctor to give me prescriptions for pain and sleep...and back home, to rest from my week of exploring the sites of America.

Getting Away

I did something that was on my bucket list. One of my friends from my support group passed away and about a month before she passed she told me to be certain to take the time to do the things I put on my bucket list...so I did. I went on a little road trip and have to say that I am having a great time. Yes, I am in more pain than I am ever in at home, but it's totally worth it.

My daughter decided to move home, probably because of my diagnosis, so I drove to her Dad's to pick her up and get her personal items...i.e., books and clothes. Her dear friend, Miranda came along for the ride and to help with the driving. We went to the zoo today and had an amazing day. I was so sore from the walking, but oh my God!

I still have the drive home, but plan on stopping to see some sights on the way home. Miranda is not enjoying the trip and wishes she was home now, but I hope to change that on the way home...by stopping frequently and actually seeing some awesome, jaw dropping, american treasures. She has never been to a cave dwelling, a cavern, the Grand Canyon, Crater Lake.

Loving this week! I feel like I am living instead of just surviving.

Getting Away

I did something that was on my bucket list. One of my friends from my support group passed away and about a month before she passed she told me to be certain to take the time to do the things I put on my bucket list...so I did. I went on a little road trip and have to say that I am having a great time. Yes, I am in more pain than I am ever in at home, but it's totally worth it.

My daughter decided to move home, probably because of my diagnosis, so I drove to her Dad's to pick her up and get her personal items...i.e., books and clothes. Her dear friend, Miranda came along for the ride and to help with the driving. We went to the zoo today and had an amazing day. I was so sore from the walking, but oh my God!

I still have the drive home, but plan on stopping to see some sights on the way home. Miranda is not enjoying the trip and wishes she was home now, but I hope to change that on the way home...by stopping frequently and actually seeing some awesome, jaw dropping, american treasures. She has never been to a cave dwelling, a cavern, the Grand Canyon, Crater Lake.

Loving this week! I feel like I am living instead of just surviving.

Bone Biopsy

When I went in for my CT guided biopsy, it was not what I thought. I took a look at my bracelet that they put on you when you get checked in for a procedure. It said "bone biopsy". I freaked out. It was not a pleasant procedure. I am still awaiting the results. Each day I call my doctor and his secretary promises he will call, but he hasn't. I will call tomorrow until she can't stand the sound of my voice. Until she recognizes my voice! I am afraid, but Christina, his other assistant said "usually, if it is bad news, the doctor would have called sooner". So I am banking on that statement.

I am due for chemotherapy on Monday, so I have to have another blood test to see how tanked my RBC are...they aren't good enough yet for chemo so I have to wait a week more, but I have to have an injection in my tummy this week to stimulate my bone marrow to create red blood cells.

I will write tomorrow when I get the results. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm Back!

I am sorry for not writing for so long. I got to a place that wasn't good to be in. I was depressed, overwhelmed, sad, afraid...and putting that down in print would have made it even more real, so I let my emotions take over. I should have known that putting in down in words probably would have been therapeutic, like it always has been, but I couldn't see that far.

Let's see, what did you miss? Well, I had another round of chemo which, as always, wreaked havoc on my blood counts, but I survived. I am due on Thursday for my next round of chemo, so I'll have to go pick up the Emend pills, which help me keep from being nauseous.

As for my emotional health, well, it has been less than desireable. I have found myself crying a lot more. I think the bulk of my problem is that I feel like everything is falling apart. I haven't worked for over a month because of the side effects of chemo, so my financial health has also suffered greatly. When you don't know where you will hang your hat two months from now, it makes even the healthiest of people stress.

I had to have another scan. Everytime I get a scan I freak out. I never know what they will tell me, and even though I try not to worry, I can't help it.

I have had another tumor on my left side, the site of the original tumor. This tumor has remained stable, along with the other tumors on the right side, which means it hasn't grown...well it hadn't grown. It did this time. At the request of my chemo doctor, I made an appointment with Dr. Brien, my orthopedic onocologist. He said he wanted to do a CT guided biopsy, as soon as possible.

I know it's crazy, but I am frightened. The scan also showed a very small growth on or in one of my kidneys. The chemo has kept all stable, except for the two I mentioned. The CT guided biopsy will take care of the new problem, or prove that it is nothing...which is what I am hoping to hear.

Well, I am whipped. I will write tomorrow and promise to keep my blog updated from now on.