Depression

Unfortunately, one of the major side effects of chemo treatments, or of having cancer is depression. I have been suffering from it much more this time than my last bout with cancer. Having to drive to the clinic every 21 days for chemo sucks, but also having to go back in for blood work and then the toughest is the scan appointments. The scans are difficult because I am claustrophobic, which makes the tube experience unnerving. I am also allergic to the contrast material, so I have to take meds ahead of time to combat that, but the hardest part is waiting afterwards...waiting to find out if my chemotherapy is keeping me stable, or...if it is no longer keeping me stable and I have to go on another regimen, much like my friend Adele just had happen. She was doing fine on Yondelis until last month, when she went for her scan as usual but this time she didn't get the expected news. She found out her cancer was growing like crazy. It's so sad, and hurts my heart.

You make these friends at the clinic. You make these friends and then you find out that they aren't responding to treatment. I know why I can't get a man to date me...as soon as I come clean with my medical history...they are gone quicker than you can say "uncle". Who wants to start a relationship with someone whose future is .... well, with someone who doesn't have a future, possibly. Who wants to take a chance with someone who is going through what I am? Employers don't want to take a chance with someone battling metastatic cancer. It's not hard to see why a potential suitor will hit the floor running when he finds out that the woman he is interested in has cancer. Relationships are difficult enough, but add to that mix cancer....ha! So yeah, you get the picture.

It would be so nice to have a man to hold me, to comfort me, to protect me, and yes, to love me. To love this body, despite the scars I have from battling this monster. What I wouldn't give to find a man who would love me, who would trace my scars with a finger and look into my eyes with love and tell me that without these scars, I wouldn't be there with him....to find a man who could look past the scars and see that there is still a woman inside, dying to share the love I have in my heart with that man.

So, I am depressed. Once again, I write this blog with tears running down my cheeks. What I wouldn't do to have tears of joy running down my cheeks.

I want to forget I have cancer. I want to be in remission so that I can get the scars I have fixed. I want reconstructive surgery to minimize the 17" healed incision in my hip. I want to live this life I have instead of spending every day behind the door of my apartment. I know why I haven't met anyone...how can I meet anyone if I never leave my apartment? I don't know how many women have met the man of their dreams sitting in their living rooms (save internet dating). I have joined those dating websites...but I end up just dating the website....I am afraid to meet because I feel insecure...I never used to feel this way. I was outgoing, sure of myself, confident, and would go out and pick up men...now I am terrified.

So I asked my doctor for antidepressants...see how that turns out. I'll let you know!

10 days out from Chemo

I am 10 days out from my last chemo and back at the docs to get my blood work and a few shots in the tummy to boost red and white blood cells.

Yesterday I spent the day at ER because I have been steadily losing weight because I feel sick when I eat. They said I had an ulcer...wow, really? Probably from worrying about this "C" word stuff. When I got home I read up on ulcers...you don't avoid spicy food now...the capstacin in the spicy foods actually protects the stomach lining.

I want to ask the doctor about anti-depressants. I hate admitting that I need them, but I do. I am sad. I am tired of this life, centered around chemo appointments. I can't find a job...I want my life to go back to the way it was!

Thursday - MRI and Chemo

Today I arrived to have my chemo discontinued until 3 more weeks. I also had an exam by Dr. Chawla and he sent me down immediately for an MRI to see if I fractured my spine or if I have mets to my spine or upper left thigh. I am severely claustrophobic so it was very traumatic for me. They ended up giving me some medications....valium and xanax so that I didn't freak out in the tube...I ended up crying through the whole thing. I don't know why those tubey exams freak me out so much, but they do.

I'm back up in Chawla's office now. They hooked me back up to the hydration and willl give me a shot of Neulasta before I leave. I guess I'll have the results of the MRI tomorrow.

The doctor said to go straight home and go straight to bed, so that's my plan. Thank God I have Jackie here to drive me home. Michael was here today, my chemo buddy. He called the place I am moving to and she said come Monday and she would finish up my apartment rental for me and Jackie....I'm so happy about that. I hate my bank. They gave me back the money someone named Terika Worthy took out of my account (600) and when the shisters put 49.50 back in, the bank thought they would put it all back in so they took back the 550 back out....so I am so broke....now I have to wait for the bank to finish their investigation before they put the money back in.....I can't believe someone would rip off a person who has almost nothing in their account. You'd think they would go for the person who has thousands of dollars to rip off, but no....they chose me.

Oh well, the doctor is heading over to talk to me...more later.

Wednesday : (

So I arrived at Dr. Chawla's office bright and early. Jackie dropped me off downstairs at the street entrance and left to a friends house. I thought everything would be perfect...I had dropped off my blood on Monday so I didn't have to wait hours, I just needed a quick finger prick to make sure the platelets were up to par....but they weren't. I was three points off and they wouldn't budge. I had to leave and go back home...so here it is Wednesday and the finger prick today was good enough to do chemo so we started.

I forgot my Emend so I told them I would promise to start it as soon as I got home, but apparently there was an update and the Emend and it makes the chemo drug stronger than it is, which might be why I had the problem with my liver, pancreas and the other organ (chemo brain)....so they said for me to just take the compazine, which didn't work for me or to try the suppository. The only other drug is one that is the one I think I'll go with....again, chemo prevents me from remembering the name, but I will edit this blog and put it in tomorrow.

The worst part of my day was when the doc asked me why I wasn't wearing my glasses. I told him it was hurting on the right side when I wore them, so I searched and searched and found an old pair of contacts....they are not a current prescription, so I have a headache that is really irritating, but when he checked out the lump, he said he thought it was another tumor....my heart dropped. Once another doctor came in to confirm his thought, they decided to do a physical and found another lump on my right shin....and both docs.. agreed it too was a tumor. I begged to put off the biopsy of both and they reluctantly agreed to wait....so if they grow even just a tiny bit, I have to have the biopsy immediately. I do have to have another opinion on the one behind my ear. They think the headache might be from the tumor, not from wearing glasses that are an incorrect prescription. It sucks because for the coverage I have from the government....Medi-Medi, it covers everything except a co pay for medications, but it does not cover any portion of vision. No vision exam, no contact lens exam, no frames and no lenses for transition....they also don't cover anything for teeth. No x rays, no cleaning, no fillings...for those of you who have coverage but are afraid to go, trust me....GO! I put off my teeth cleaning and the work I needed, and I put off contact lens exams because I had no idea how much those things cost.

Anyway...my appointment tomorrow is mid morning and I will be there....I told Jackie I could go alone, but she said absolutely not. She is going with me. I'm afraid of the part to discuss the surgery for the tumor's....the new ones, but also the consult that is to discuss why I can't lift my left leg to go up stairs....I don't know if Dr.Brien can do that or if I have to go to someone skilled with muscle and nerve damage...it's gotten significantly worse in the last month.

I guess my best news is that I didn't get kicked off the clinical trial today. The scariest part of this entry today is that I have a deep fear that I'm not doing as well as I used to think I was....and my emotional state isn't as optimistic as I used to believe. I asked for anti-depressants because I have noticed my temper is short. My kids, my grandkids, friends, sisters, everyone have been getting on my nerves, and I take it out on them....and I am so sorry....you know who you are....I love you, please remember its the cancer, not you. I love all of you...unconditionally.....xoxoxoxox

I hate the "C" word!

Today I went to get chemo but I was three points below what I needed to get it. If it is not up by Wednesday I may get kicked off my trial, which sucks...but what sucks even more is that everytime I go the doctor's give me a quick check up. That wasn't the part that sucked...the part that sucked was when he noticed two lumps, one on my right shin and the other behind my ear. I quit wearing my glasses because something was bothering me there...I'm hoping it is a bug bite or mosquito bite.

When he found the other lump, I started crying and he patted my back and said it wasn't "unexpected" at this stage of my disease. Of course it's unexpected! I didn't fucking expect it, nor did I want it (pardon my language). I was still crying when they finished drawing blood so he prescribed me some xanax, which I just said last night I didn't take....well, I'm taking it today, but I told him to only write a week or so worth, which is what he did.

I think I'm going to go lay down now...I'm sad and depressed and just want to rest for a little while.

I'll write more later...keep your prayers and thoughts and good wishes coming!

Time for Chemo....

Tomorrow I am heading back to Santa Monica to get my next dose of chemo...I hate chemo. Part of me wants to fail the blood levels so that I can return home without the "purse" of chemotherapy on my shoulder, but the sensible side of me knows that if I don't have the blood levels to continue my chemo tomorrow, I risk the possibility of being dropped from the clinical trial. If that happens I have to go back to standard protocol chemo. I will lose my hair, spend seven days in the hospital every 21 days with harsher drugs being injected into my system. I remember the last time I went though chemo, barely. I took every drug they prescribed, xanax, ambien, morphine, norco, lexipro, etc., etc., etc...yeah, even that list is daunting, and that isn't all of the crap they gave me. I even had an implanted morphine pump.

In the middle of that standard treatment, I also had radiation and because of all the medications they had me on, I got into a collision, on my way to a radiation session...a collision I have almost no memory of. My son came in one evening and said "Mom, what happened to the car?". When I walked out to the car, I was horrified. The hood was held closed with a couple bungee cords. I could only remember fragments, like film clips. A guy running up and saying he saw the whole thing, that's it, that's all I remembered. Luckily, I did give the person my information and obviously, made it home safely, but I still wonder how I made it the rest of the way to my appointment, which required a couple miles on the freeway, with a hood that was smashed, unable to latch and then how I made it back home. I had no memory because I was under the influence of the above-mentioned drugs, it is also why I keep this journal this time and also why I do not take whatever the doctors feel like prescribing.

I think I took all of those drugs because I was afraid. I am probably more afraid this time, but I am also trying to be more responsible this time. I take pain meds as needed, not because I want to mask my fear. I don't take anti-depressants (although I think I might need them at times). I did take xanax every now and then in the first month or so of my re-diagnosis, but then stopped. I take sleeping pills every now and then, maybe once or twice a week.

I think the best change I made was deciding to write this blog. I will now have a permanent record of what I am going through...hopefully to read many years from now.

Okay, I got way off track, so tomorrow is chemo...I hate it, but I don't. but I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, and hope that I get to do that for a very long time.

That's all for tonight...

Couple Quarts Low....Again!

I went to get chemo yesterday and they did one of those finger prick tests to see how my blood was. Apparently, it was not so good because instead of them just giving me a shot or two and sending me home, they wanted to admit me. I convinced them that I would head straight to the hospital, get the units of blood and if my blood pressure did not get significantly better that I would stay, as requested.

My blood hemocrit was not even 8, which was what prompted them to insist on the blood transfusion. I had been feeling a little tired, but it wasn't like I was exhausted...I just felt sleepy, really sleepy!

My day started at 7:00am, or actually earlier, but I headed out to my doctor's in Santa Monica first thing in the morning, and by the time they finished their testing and wanted me to have some blood it was around 9:30am. I arrived at St. John's at 10:00 am. They did the type and cross match thing and told me (like I don't already know)...that I was AB+. They ordered the blood, had me sign the consent forms and about two hours later the blood arrived. It takes about two and a half hours to get one unit of blood...then you have to wait for the next unit to come from the blood bank place, so by the time I was done with the second unit of blood it was almost 7:00 pm. I had left home at about 7:00 am, so my day was definitely full.

I headed home and was exhausted by the time I arrived, so I just watched a little TV and collapsed. The doctor said to check back on Monday, so that's when I will go back.