Depression

Unfortunately, one of the major side effects of chemo treatments, or of having cancer is depression. I have been suffering from it much more this time than my last bout with cancer. Having to drive to the clinic every 21 days for chemo sucks, but also having to go back in for blood work and then the toughest is the scan appointments. The scans are difficult because I am claustrophobic, which makes the tube experience unnerving. I am also allergic to the contrast material, so I have to take meds ahead of time to combat that, but the hardest part is waiting afterwards...waiting to find out if my chemotherapy is keeping me stable, or...if it is no longer keeping me stable and I have to go on another regimen, much like my friend Adele just had happen. She was doing fine on Yondelis until last month, when she went for her scan as usual but this time she didn't get the expected news. She found out her cancer was growing like crazy. It's so sad, and hurts my heart.

You make these friends at the clinic. You make these friends and then you find out that they aren't responding to treatment. I know why I can't get a man to date me...as soon as I come clean with my medical history...they are gone quicker than you can say "uncle". Who wants to start a relationship with someone whose future is .... well, with someone who doesn't have a future, possibly. Who wants to take a chance with someone who is going through what I am? Employers don't want to take a chance with someone battling metastatic cancer. It's not hard to see why a potential suitor will hit the floor running when he finds out that the woman he is interested in has cancer. Relationships are difficult enough, but add to that mix cancer....ha! So yeah, you get the picture.

It would be so nice to have a man to hold me, to comfort me, to protect me, and yes, to love me. To love this body, despite the scars I have from battling this monster. What I wouldn't give to find a man who would love me, who would trace my scars with a finger and look into my eyes with love and tell me that without these scars, I wouldn't be there with him....to find a man who could look past the scars and see that there is still a woman inside, dying to share the love I have in my heart with that man.

So, I am depressed. Once again, I write this blog with tears running down my cheeks. What I wouldn't do to have tears of joy running down my cheeks.

I want to forget I have cancer. I want to be in remission so that I can get the scars I have fixed. I want reconstructive surgery to minimize the 17" healed incision in my hip. I want to live this life I have instead of spending every day behind the door of my apartment. I know why I haven't met anyone...how can I meet anyone if I never leave my apartment? I don't know how many women have met the man of their dreams sitting in their living rooms (save internet dating). I have joined those dating websites...but I end up just dating the website....I am afraid to meet because I feel insecure...I never used to feel this way. I was outgoing, sure of myself, confident, and would go out and pick up men...now I am terrified.

So I asked my doctor for antidepressants...see how that turns out. I'll let you know!