Wednesday : (

So I arrived at Dr. Chawla's office bright and early. Jackie dropped me off downstairs at the street entrance and left to a friends house. I thought everything would be perfect...I had dropped off my blood on Monday so I didn't have to wait hours, I just needed a quick finger prick to make sure the platelets were up to par....but they weren't. I was three points off and they wouldn't budge. I had to leave and go back home...so here it is Wednesday and the finger prick today was good enough to do chemo so we started.

I forgot my Emend so I told them I would promise to start it as soon as I got home, but apparently there was an update and the Emend and it makes the chemo drug stronger than it is, which might be why I had the problem with my liver, pancreas and the other organ (chemo brain)....so they said for me to just take the compazine, which didn't work for me or to try the suppository. The only other drug is one that is the one I think I'll go with....again, chemo prevents me from remembering the name, but I will edit this blog and put it in tomorrow.

The worst part of my day was when the doc asked me why I wasn't wearing my glasses. I told him it was hurting on the right side when I wore them, so I searched and searched and found an old pair of contacts....they are not a current prescription, so I have a headache that is really irritating, but when he checked out the lump, he said he thought it was another tumor....my heart dropped. Once another doctor came in to confirm his thought, they decided to do a physical and found another lump on my right shin....and both docs.. agreed it too was a tumor. I begged to put off the biopsy of both and they reluctantly agreed to wait....so if they grow even just a tiny bit, I have to have the biopsy immediately. I do have to have another opinion on the one behind my ear. They think the headache might be from the tumor, not from wearing glasses that are an incorrect prescription. It sucks because for the coverage I have from the government....Medi-Medi, it covers everything except a co pay for medications, but it does not cover any portion of vision. No vision exam, no contact lens exam, no frames and no lenses for transition....they also don't cover anything for teeth. No x rays, no cleaning, no fillings...for those of you who have coverage but are afraid to go, trust me....GO! I put off my teeth cleaning and the work I needed, and I put off contact lens exams because I had no idea how much those things cost.

Anyway...my appointment tomorrow is mid morning and I will be there....I told Jackie I could go alone, but she said absolutely not. She is going with me. I'm afraid of the part to discuss the surgery for the tumor's....the new ones, but also the consult that is to discuss why I can't lift my left leg to go up stairs....I don't know if Dr.Brien can do that or if I have to go to someone skilled with muscle and nerve damage...it's gotten significantly worse in the last month.

I guess my best news is that I didn't get kicked off the clinical trial today. The scariest part of this entry today is that I have a deep fear that I'm not doing as well as I used to think I was....and my emotional state isn't as optimistic as I used to believe. I asked for anti-depressants because I have noticed my temper is short. My kids, my grandkids, friends, sisters, everyone have been getting on my nerves, and I take it out on them....and I am so sorry....you know who you are....I love you, please remember its the cancer, not you. I love all of you...unconditionally.....xoxoxoxox