Fear of the Unknown

Okay, so I went upstairs hours ago, to sleep.  I think I am about to fall asleep, and I start sobbing.  I am afraid.  I can't explain it.  I don't think this has happened before...maybe it has, but this is the first time I have been afraid for my life. 

It's not the procedure tomorrow...not the actual thing that is happening.  I can deal with the physical thing of being there, getting there, sitting there, getting stuck with a big needle...it's what this test will reveal that is scaring the life out of me.  I am petrified.  My heart is breaking, my nose is running, my eyes are weeping, I want someone to wrap me up and tell me it isn't happening...not to me, not to me. 

I remember thinking that I was the youngest girl, that I would outlive them all.  I remember thinking that I hated that idea when I was younger...to be the one to live the longest.  I already watched one sister pass, I was fearful of the possibility that I would live long enough to be the last...but I know now I won't.  I guess I could, but it is unlikely...not with cancer.  Not if it has taken up residence in my lungs!

It's like there is a bug crawling around inside my body, and I want it OUT.  I don't care what they have to do to accomplish that, I just want it GONE!  This very thought process is what has made me make bad decisions in the past...believe and trust all of the doctors.  What?  I need surgery, okay, What?  I need chemo?  Okay.  What?  I need radiation, OKAY!  Do it all again?  OKAY...just make it go away! 

I am sticking to my guns this time.  I want proof that it has spread.  I want a pathology report that says that it is back before I jump in with both feet.  Recurrence in my lungs means this...surgery...scary surgery to remove a wedge or more of my left lung.  Radiation to hit any other lesions that can't be gotten in that surgery, and the dreaded CHEMO again to kill what remains in my body floating around.

Chemo that will take my hair.  Radiation that makes me so ill.  Pain from cutting into and removing another part of my body...this time a more important part.  I can live without half my ass, but how do I live with half my lung?  How does that feel?  Will I be able to take deep breaths?  Will I be able to swim underwater for as long?  Will it hurt horribly? 

I am afraid of the unknown.  I am afraid of dying.  I am afraid of leaving this world before my children have become who they will be.  Leaving before they are succeeding at life.  I am afraid of what me not surviving will do to them.  How will they deal with it?  I won't be there to help them be okay with it.  Shit, I'm not okay with it.  I want to see my grandchildren.  I want to see Jackie's children and meet Jackie and Charlie's spouses.  I want to see her pregnant, see her face when they hand her a beautiful little life, and she transforms from my baby into a mother, like her sister.

I want to see Charlie become a father, like his step-brother Casey.  Casey became this awesome man, responsible, accomplished, a hard-working, Holli loving man.  Father of FOUR boys....and he speaks of another, maybe a little girl in 5 years!  And Cori...I want to see her walk down the aisle and be the successful person I know she can be...Joshua...OMG, Josh is going to be amazing in life!  He has an old soul, I can't explain it, but I can see it in his eyes.

Today, I went and saw my oldest Granddaughter, Madeline sing.  I know that she isn't as in to singing as we want her to be, but I think its because she doesn't believe that she is as talented as we all think she is, we all know she is!  Wouldn't it be awesome if she became a famous opera singer?  Alyza is just like Josh...an old soul, her voice is amazing, she has a good heart and a loving spirit.  I want to watch her become a woman as well.

Brooke and Chason are little troublemakers...who wouldn't want to watch them grow up.  Shannon needs my help with them, and I need to be there to help her.  I can tell you this, having small children makes you have to get up, it makes you have to get going, it makes you force yourself to put one foot in front of the other...and you do it for them, to protect them, to teach them, to honor the fact that they are yours, or in your family.

I guess I will go back upstairs and lay in a bath of hot water, eucalyptus, epsom salts and rose bud leaf soaps floating around...some bubbles...burn a candle and hope I can not be a total baby when I get to Hoag in just a few hours.

I am a strong person...I know that even though I am an emotional wreck, I can do this...I can put on a face that appears to the outside world that I am okay, but I am not okay....I am not okay, okay?