Blood Work and Bleeding

Apparently, the Yondelis has caused my blood levels to tank. I was at work on Mother's Day and got the smallest littlest tiniest papercut on my arm. I am talking a quarter of an inch cut. I bled, and then I bled some more. Then I got a paper towel and soaked it (talking a quarter inch long cut...tiny). Bled through several band aids. I called the doctor and he said to to come in, and if it didn't stop bleeding in the next half hour to go to the hospital.

Well, my blood level was 24, or was it 34. It's supposed to be in the 100 or 200 range, so I got three injections to give myself over the next couple days of Neupogen. I haven't had to give myself a shot in my tummy for over 3 years so I am a little nervous.

Other than the continuing nausea and vomiting, I actually feel just tired...like I ran a couple miles when I woke up and then did some jumping jacks and then stretched. My muscles hurt, like I have worked out. Also a side effect of Yondelis. I am day 12 or 13 now, so another IV infusion in 9 days. I have to go back to get another blood test on Thursday.

I called my old oncologist that is local. Dr. Marsha Fink. I was going to change doctors, but after my run in with an oncologist that said wait six to eight weeks and check back to see if the tumors had grown and dismissed me as inconsequential, I decided to go back to Dr. Chawla, who directed my care last time through Dr. Fink. I am growing tired of using a half tank of gas plus parking charges of 26 dollars every time I have to go to the docs office...so I called and talked to Dr. Fink. She has agreed to "talk" to me on May 20th at 2:30, so I will go see if she can help out locally with tests, visits, hospitalizations, so I do not have to travel quite so far to have something checked out.

I am officially "neutropenic" again! The doctor said..."no raw food, no salad, no fruit, no raw veggies, just no". I was aghast! How am I supposed to survive? No good food? Everything has to be cooked to kill bacteria. I can't see a dentist until my chemo is done.

Merck, who dispenses Emend, the anti-nausea drug says in an ad to call them if I need help paying for the prescription. Guess who I am calling tomorrow?

I am heading out to walk around the main street beach street faire. Need exercise!

More later!

After awhile, you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love
doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean
security, and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child
And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrows ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of
falling down mid-flight.
After a while, you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So, you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting on someone
to bring you flowers.
You learn that you really can endure
You really are strong
Your really do have worth
You learn and learn and learn
with every goodbye, you learn.

I got this from my daughter...although I have read it a hundred times before, today....just now, it touched a part of me that it hadn't before. It had meaning that was always there, but I just didn't need it then, or wasn't ready for it then. These words give me strength, hope and courage. I shall print them large on put them at work, in the chemo center, on my morning mirror where I get ready, so I can read these words each day and grow from them.

I love you my child of total wisdom...you bring me such great joy with your selections and choices of words....and that I had even the smallest part to do with making you you, makes me incredibly proud as a mother. You are wise beyond your years!

Yondelis

Here is the link that says what I am getting:

http://www.ema.europa.eu/humandocs/PDFs/EPAR/yondelis/H-773-en1.pdf

Interesting reading!

Me

Thoughts

It's 12:03 am and I can't sleep. The neighbors had a party, the police were called, they thought it was me calling...now I am up, trying to figure out whether or not I should take the sleeping pill that the doctor ordered, or not take it. I am afraid since the last time I took a sleeping pill, I was driving the next day and hit another car. Thankfully, I had insurance and stayed to go through the transfer of information, but, I don't remember the incident at all. I only know what happened from someone else. Scary, right? So, I'll take an anti-anxiety pill and hope that knocks me out. I was sleeping so well...then the party and the police banging. Then the neighbors knocking to see if it was me that called....geeze....drama drama drama.

Night night bloggy woggy.

First Day back to Work

I arrived at work tired. I guess the Neulasta wasn't enough to get my blood stream full of energy. I kept feeling nauseous. I went to relieve everyone for lunches and by then....I was toast. I felt like I was overwhelmed, and I had hardly helped at all, but tomorrow will be a better day!

It's my son's birthday tonight. I forgot...what kind of Mom forgets? I got him a card and gave him some money....I hope he forgives me.

Thats all for now.

Sandy

First Night of Chemo

OMG. I wish I had been approved for the nausea drugs. I got so very sick. Note to self...make sure I have the "good" chemo nausea drugs...the 3 pills or the transdermal patch. I made it through the night though. I went back to get hydrated at the doctor's office and to have the chemo nausea drugs put into my IV.

I drove back to Shannon's, picked up my food and drove home....then left and went to meet up with my good friends again. This time dinner was slower going, and sickness not so bad.

In the morning I drove home, feeling fairly good but my boss said to stay home. Karen's in town so I get a chance to see the beautiful little Isiah. I missed seeing Barney...but I love Barney and wish I could have seen him.

I went to breakfast with Debbie and Karen, I enjoyed our visit so much.

Work tomorrow, so I am going home to rest before we meet back up.

Chemo Started

Okay, so I started actual chemo Wednesday. It wasn't so bad, I sat there, they plugged me in, and I watched as the drip started and I thought...here I go again. I was sitting there alone, thinking I could wear my big girl panties and do this myself, but in truth, I wish I had someone to hold my hand, chat with me. Sure there are others here, all with their stories.

I wonder if they have thought what I think...."what if this is a mistake?" What if this isn't my diagnosis, but then a brief chat with the young female doctor here says that its called acceptance, and everyone has trouble accepting their diagnosis....especially metastatic cancer.

I have a friend, Suzi, she is going through Leiomyosarcoma, similar to mine, but hers is new, mine has returned. Both are sarcoma's. If anything by this blog, I will bring more awareness to the cancer called sarcoma. Soft Tissue Sarcoma, is what I have, but there is Clear Cell, Karposi's, Giant Cell, Osteosarcoma, Fibrosarcoma (they thought or think I have that too), Ewing's sarcoma, Rhabdomyosarcoma, GIST, omg, the list just goes on and on. Robert Ulrich is the only actor who died of our cancer. It's a rare cancer, like 8% of all cancers diagnosed are sarcoma's so there aren't a lot of specialists in all areas and we are left with whoever is local, lucky for me, I have Sant Chawla, the premier sarcoma specialist in the western United States.

So, I am going to meet my friends, Laura and Paul. I get to go leave with my IV in place. Here goes nothing!