Cycle Two of Yondelis

I woke up yesterday and found my son asleep in the living room, he showed up to accompany me to chemo so I wouldn't have to fight traffic and could get in the carpool lane to shorten the trip. I was so thankful to have him along to keep me company.

Upon my arrival the doctor was a little angry that I didn't show up Monday as scheduled. I explained I would lose my job if I missed anymore time and that I had called on Monday morning to explain my need to change my schedule to today, and they acquiesced.

I barely passed the finger stick test so I had to do a blood draw and that test took two hours to get results. It showed my liver function as being off the charts but my white cells and platelets were still low so they elected to reduce the amount of Yondelis I am getting, and proceeded with my infusion.

I had to get an infusion of nausea medication first, and then take my Emend pill to keep the nausea away. I found out that the three pills DO NOT last 21 days, they only last the days I take them, so I am going to try to get approval for the patch that lasts the remainder of the days between cycles.

I went home with the Yondelis infusion and went straight to the couch to rest and fell asleep. I woke up and went to pick up my soup order from Mother's Kitchen, (my absolute favorite vegetarian place to eat) and they told me my soup order of Vegetable Soup with soy meat...with the wheat bread (about 2 inches thick and also a vegetarian/vegan recipe) with Earth Balance spread and jelly was ON THE HOUSE! Granted this is fairly inexpensive anyway at 3 or 4 dollars, I was still thrilled at getting a deal...only because they noticed that I was getting infused and asked about it.

I woke up at 1, a little sick but not nearly as sick as I was the last time. Today, I am feeling amazingly normal. I have not thrown up, which is a welcome change from the last time. I will be receiving my shot of Neulasta again, and next week I will again have to take home my Neupogen to give myself, which stresses me a bit, but I'll get over it.

I also got word that I have to have another scan next week...to see if the Yondelis is working. If the tumors have grown, they will have to change my chemo to the Ifosfamide protocol, which will mean that my job will go away, I will lose my apartment and will have to find a place to live within five days of being let go, which sucks. I put a message into the cancer hotline to see what, if any help I can get from them.

I am patiently waiting to get out of here. I only have a little more time to go and then my shot and I get to go see my wonderful daughter and her gorgeous four children.

I'm going to get a copy of my blood work so that I can start educating myself on levels and how my blood plummets and how it recovers after medicines. I asked about a sample of a naturally derived vitamin that helps white blood cell recovery from Mothers. It's called Wellmune WGP, or gluco polysaccharide, derived from Saccharomyces cerevisiae.

Here comes my nurse! Yeah! Almost done!

Tumor Troubles

Lately, as I lay down at night, I have been imagining that I could feel the tumor on the right side. I decided I was imagining things. Then, I started believing I could feel that tumor during the day, and found myself leaning to the left to take pressure off. For the last two and a half years, I have over-reacted at every visit. I kept being paranoid that it was back, but time and time again, I was proven wrong. So, when the doctor asked me today why I didn't tell him sooner that I felt a tumor growing, I told him...I figured I was just paranoid.

I was taken to an examination room where the doctor felt my right buttock and confirmed that the tumor was palatable, and about the size of a golf ball. On the scan, it was minuscule. Not even a month later, it has grown rapidly. I'm afraid that the other tumors are growing too, now.

The doctor said that the Yondelis hasn't had enough time to work and it was too soon to give up on it, so I will go back Thursday and hopefully my blood will be acceptable enough for me to go forward with the second cycle.

I want to go in Thursday and ask the doctor to just take them out, whatever size they are, just cut them out of my body.

So if I go forward with chemo on Thursday, I know that I will be sicker than sick for the next week, especially the first few days. They will do another scan about 10 days into the second cycle. If it does prove to be not working, I will be switched to MAID protocol, most likely, says Dr. Chawla. The other doctor told me that my hair will fall out after the first cycle of that chemo. It is similar to my old cocktail, so if I go back to that, I will go back to Dr. Fink and let her administer the chemo from the comfort of a hospital room and my local hospital.

I'm scared...

Injections

I have done three injections of Neupogen. Tomorrow the doctor will check to see if they did what they are supposed to do. I keep my fingers crossed.

Today I am going to church. I haven't been to church on Sunday since January. I am looking forward to getting a dash of hope. That's what church does for me. It fills me with hope. Hope that I'll beat this, hope that I'll beat this, hope that I will beat this...

I cry all the time now. Tears stream down my face because I don't like thinking about surviving. I already survived? It isn't supposed to happened again, I am in major denial. I can't imagine having something worse that cancer, yet one of my brother in law (my favorite) is battling or trying to survive ALS, I have no room to cry.

I hear the honk of a horn....Terry is here to get me for church....more later.

Injection Frustration

As I sit on my couch and peer at the contents of the bag given to me by my doctor, I heave a sigh. I'm scared. I know I have to do this, and many of you may think it silly of me to be scared of something I have done countless times before. But yet, I am frightened.

I take out the cold little glass vial containing the Neupogen out of the refrigerator and roll it between my palms to warm it before I inject it into my skin. It takes several minutes for the vial to warm. I assemble the necessary parts on the coffee table and examine each one. Two alcohol wipes, check. One 25mm needle, check. One 20mm needle, check. One sterile syringe, check. One warmed vial of Neupogen, check. Bandaid, check.

Another heavy sigh leaves my mouth making an audible sound. How can this be again? How can I do this all over again? Tears stream down my face. Fuck Cancer. I hate you. I hate what you do, I hate that you invaded my body. I think I can feel tumors growing, which you caused. I looked up the word cancer. This is the description:

Cancer /ˈkænsər/ ( listen) (medical term: malignant neoplasm) is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth (division beyond the normal limits), invasion (intrusion on and destruction of adjacent tissues), and sometimes metastasis (spread to other locations in the body via lymph or blood). These three malignant properties of cancers differentiate them from benign tumors, which are self-limited, and do not invade or metastasize. Most cancers form a tumor but some, like leukemia, do not. The branch of medicine concerned with the study, diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of cancer is oncology.

Cancer affects people at all ages with the risk for most types increasing with age.^[1] Cancer caused about 13% of all human deaths in 2007^[2] (7.6 million).^[3]

Invasion. That's whats happened to me. I have been invaded by a malignant tumor. One day I will be one of those statistics. This I have accepted. I won't get to die an old woman of "natural causes". I am mad at cancer for what it has done to my body.

I direct my attention back to the table. Neupogen is good for me, it builds white and red blood cells, or helps them build. I wash my hands until they are a little red from the heat of the water, because I don't want to chance infection. I pick up the 20mm needle and peel back the wrapping just enough to expose the end of the connection to the syringe. I pick up the syringe and take it out of its plastic case and attach the end to the exposed end of the needle and pull off the cap. I pull back on the plunger to about half way so I can inject some air into the vial...I pause and stop to think where I might pick up some clean air, and I chuckle...who thinks of that?

I pace a bit staring at the table and the debris from the items I am using. I have to give myself a shot. Deep breath and sit. I grab the first alcohol swab and with one thumb I confidently pop the metal cap off the neupogen...ha! I feel like I'm a professional doing that! I wipe the sterile rubber thing in the center...just in case.

I stick the needle into the vial and push in the dirty air from my apartment and draw out the liquid, slowly pulling the needle out to draw out all that I can. I replace the cover to the huge needle and twist it to remove it from the syringe and pull back the plastic sheath from the other needle, the smaller, shorter, thinner needle that will next go into my body. I twist it on and pull it out of its protective sheath and put it down.

The next alcohol swab is for me, for my skin, and I wipe it well. I have selected a chubby part of my tummy and pop off the plastic covering the needle. I slowly push up on the plunger until a little fluid escapes the tip of the needle and without hesitation I grab my skin with one hand and inject the needle in quickly with the other. The fluid sits in the syringe. I pull back slightly, no blood, good deal, in with the neupogen. It burns and is still cold! I leave the needle in for a second because I want it to disperse before I pull out the needle. I pull it out and the tiniest dot of blood and clear liquid escape. I press down with my alcohol swab and put on the bandaid.

I gather all the trash and items used and look in my closet, there is my "sharps" container. I deposit both needles into the container and remember when I put that container in my closet years ago. I wanted to throw it away, but you just never know, you know? I didn't know. I didn't think it would come back. No one thinks its going to be them. It's going to happen to someone else...not me, not me.

I was going on a hike. I was going to raise money for cancer. My cancer. I was going to walk the PCT. It was a big dream, but it was mine. I was walking everyday.

It's all so distant now. My dream. It's not going to happen for me. I won't walk down an aisle with the man of my dreams with my dad standing there. I won't be in a wedding...anyone's. Crazy, huh? Never been in anyone's wedding. No one ever....

Oh well, oh well, oh fucking well. No sense crying over spilled milk.

Blood Levels

Went to see Dr. Chawla this morning with the help of my almost daughter. The doctors gave me a finger stick, which hurt more than anything else they have done. Bad news. Platelet count is 36 and white blood cell is .9. Bad enough to cause me to get the choice that I was expecting. Hospital or stay home, stay away from people and no shaving, no falling, no driving, no interaction with pets. It's hard to stay away from pets, especially my Molly.

So I have neupogen for the next three days. Injections to the tummy, by me....owwwweeeee!

Back to the clinic on Monday to re-check. If my levels are still bad, I am going to have to be hospitalized....I won't get a choice.

Luckily, I am supposed to have an answer on my anti nausea drug tomorrow morning.

Tired....one thing that this chemo does do is make me feel as though I have worked out hard and am suffering the following day. My leg muscles hurt the most, I have bruising everywhere, big ugly bruises from the blood problems.

Going to bed....going to nap.

Surviving Nausea

It is 3:54 am in the morning, but I am up and sick. This is every night now. I have an appointment to check my blood in a couple hours, I'm going to ask them once again about Sunduco, a patch or Emend, a 3 pill system.