I take out the cold little glass vial containing the Neupogen out of the refrigerator and roll it between my palms to warm it before I inject it into my skin. It takes several minutes for the vial to warm. I assemble the necessary parts on the coffee table and examine each one. Two alcohol wipes, check. One 25mm needle, check. One 20mm needle, check. One sterile syringe, check. One warmed vial of Neupogen, check. Bandaid, check.
Another heavy sigh leaves my mouth making an audible sound. How can this be again? How can I do this all over again? Tears stream down my face. Fuck Cancer. I hate you. I hate what you do, I hate that you invaded my body. I think I can feel tumors growing, which you caused. I looked up the word cancer. This is the description:
Cancer /ˈkænsər/ (
listen) (medical term: malignant neoplasm) is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth (division beyond the normal limits), invasion (intrusion on and destruction of adjacent tissues), and sometimes metastasis (spread to other locations in the body via lymph or blood). These three malignant properties of cancers differentiate them from benign tumors, which are self-limited, and do not invade or metastasize. Most cancers form a tumor but some, like leukemia, do not. The branch of medicine concerned with the study, diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of cancer is oncology.
Cancer affects people at all ages with the risk for most types increasing with age.[1] Cancer caused about 13% of all human deaths in 2007[2] (7.6 million).[3]
Invasion. That's whats happened to me. I have been invaded by a malignant tumor. One day I will be one of those statistics. This I have accepted. I won't get to die an old woman of "natural causes". I am mad at cancer for what it has done to my body.I direct my attention back to the table. Neupogen is good for me, it builds white and red blood cells, or helps them build. I wash my hands until they are a little red from the heat of the water, because I don't want to chance infection. I pick up the 20mm needle and peel back the wrapping just enough to expose the end of the connection to the syringe. I pick up the syringe and take it out of its plastic case and attach the end to the exposed end of the needle and pull off the cap. I pull back on the plunger to about half way so I can inject some air into the vial...I pause and stop to think where I might pick up some clean air, and I chuckle...who thinks of that?
I pace a bit staring at the table and the debris from the items I am using. I have to give myself a shot. Deep breath and sit. I grab the first alcohol swab and with one thumb I confidently pop the metal cap off the neupogen...ha! I feel like I'm a professional doing that! I wipe the sterile rubber thing in the center...just in case.
I stick the needle into the vial and push in the dirty air from my apartment and draw out the liquid, slowly pulling the needle out to draw out all that I can. I replace the cover to the huge needle and twist it to remove it from the syringe and pull back the plastic sheath from the other needle, the smaller, shorter, thinner needle that will next go into my body. I twist it on and pull it out of its protective sheath and put it down.
The next alcohol swab is for me, for my skin, and I wipe it well. I have selected a chubby part of my tummy and pop off the plastic covering the needle. I slowly push up on the plunger until a little fluid escapes the tip of the needle and without hesitation I grab my skin with one hand and inject the needle in quickly with the other. The fluid sits in the syringe. I pull back slightly, no blood, good deal, in with the neupogen. It burns and is still cold! I leave the needle in for a second because I want it to disperse before I pull out the needle. I pull it out and the tiniest dot of blood and clear liquid escape. I press down with my alcohol swab and put on the bandaid.
I gather all the trash and items used and look in my closet, there is my "sharps" container. I deposit both needles into the container and remember when I put that container in my closet years ago. I wanted to throw it away, but you just never know, you know? I didn't know. I didn't think it would come back. No one thinks its going to be them. It's going to happen to someone else...not me, not me.
I was going on a hike. I was going to raise money for cancer. My cancer. I was going to walk the PCT. It was a big dream, but it was mine. I was walking everyday.
It's all so distant now. My dream. It's not going to happen for me. I won't walk down an aisle with the man of my dreams with my dad standing there. I won't be in a wedding...anyone's. Crazy, huh? Never been in anyone's wedding. No one ever....
Oh well, oh well, oh fucking well. No sense crying over spilled milk.
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