Reality Strikes

I am waiting to get some food before I go home from my extended stay at Chez St. John's and I suddenly have this uncomfortable feeling about what has transpired these last couple days. My doctor came over to talk to me before I was released and I asked him why they couldn't just remove the tumors, after all, they remove the breasts when they have tumors. He told me he didn't think I knew the "gravity" of my situation, that they can't remove my tumors because they are systemic, not just tumors growing in different places. He said if they try to cut into them now, they would just spread quicker.

He said that they have to get the tumors to stop growing first, then they can consider removing them and that right now, I am not at that point right now.

I also have to go home to meet up with a home health care person who will be bringing me a breathing machine that will help with the crap going on in my lungs.

The doctor had that look in his eyes like he felt sorry for me, because I was stupid and don't get how sick I am. I am going to talk to Dr. Chawla on Monday and see what my true health condition is right now. I know I have to get that scan done before they really know, but the doctor said he felt I should be taking it easier, that work shouldn't be my focus, that surviving this sarcoma should be.

I can't lie, I am scared now. More than I was. I think everyone thinks they are invincible, including me...apparently, I'm not invincible.

I am home now, and waiting for my health care person to show up. I stopped and picked up all my prescriptions. Cori stopped by to say hello. I think I'll just lay down for a little while. Crazy how exhausted you can get from just driving home from Santa Monica.