Sickness after Cycle Three

Today is day 3, well, the end of day 3 of the third infusion of Yondelis. I have reported to you that my tumors are "stable" at this time. I have ordered a copy of the CD so that I can view the scan myself. I got my infusion on Thursday in Santa Monica at Chawla's office. I took the first of my three Emend pills that combats nausea. The Emend makes a difference, but it is only three days worth. On day three, this morning, I put on the anti-nausea patch, which, according to the package, is supposed to last for seven days, however, it is not working as well as I thought.

I am sick now, as I am writing this. Not the upset stomach nausea, which I hate, but the nausea that sits in the back of your throat...I don't know which one is worse.

So, after a long day at work, I retreated to my nice clean apartment and immediately laid down to rest. I left this morning for work without any medications, so I in addition to the nausea, I was in pain, and feeling the effects of not taking the pain medication.

I took a pain pill and now, two hours later, I am feeling a little better. The back of the throat nausea is uncomfortable, but not unbearable, especially after I got sick about 30 minutes ago.

Tomorrow is the last day of my work schedule, for which I am so thankful. I know that I will probably be asked to fill in for work after July 5th, but if I am still as nauseous as I am today, without some other type of anti-emetic medication, I will probably have to decline.

Although I do not have plans for 4th of July at this writing, I am looking forward to having something to do, to celebrate not only our independence as a nation, but also to celebrate my intention of becoming independent of cancer and from the feeling of being unfulfilled at my career. I know that I can do more than what I am doing. I am not being the best that I can be. I know that I have the ability to achieve more, to earn more, to be a success, so as I pass this halfway point in my battle to survive this cancer, I have decided to create a new chapter in my life, and focus on a new ending. I don't want to have my days filled with despair and fear, I want each day to contain hope and survival again. To get to that point where cancer doesn't occupy my every thought, where cancer is not in every step I take, every trip I make in my car, every unoccupied moment of my life.

You, out there, you have the luxury of never having to worry about cancer. Maybe you do, because you are reading this, maybe my story will make you think about how fragile life is and how, in the moment it takes for a cell to divide incorrectly, you could be in my place.

My new goal is to consciously STOP thinking about my demise, but instead focus on my survival. I know it sounds strange to hear someone say they think about the end of their life too much, but when you are battling what I am, it is hard not to think about what will happen after I am gone.

How will my children and step children, parents, sisters, brother, friends, ex's handle the news? Will any part of my life have a profound impact on someone else? Although I know I made some particularly bad choices in my life, I think that I have also made some excellent choices. I love my kids and family and am truly sorry for the mistakes of my life, but we all make mistakes...some just make bigger ones than others (like me).

My youngest daughter wrote me a card on my birthday this year and said that she attributed her ability to write to me. I cannot put into words what that statement meant to me. She is who she is in her heart because of me.

I was raising myself while raising my oldest daughter, but she is a beautiful, thoughtful, caring, GOOD woman, and I like to think I had a little to do with that as well.

Oh, oh, oh. Sick again. I'll have to finish up these thoughts another day. I hope one of these other three meds for nausea will work right now.

Good night all. Thank you for stopping by.