Tired and done...

I haven't written my "feelings" lately, kind of afraid to put into words what I am feeling, but here goes:

I am feeling overwhelmed with chemo, hospitalizations, blood levels plummeting, being blindsided by bizarre random organ failures that hurt more than giving birth. Having to endure surgeries, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions, shots, antiobiotics, it's all too much. I want to stop. I am a strong person, but I can't do this anymore. It's killing me. What's next? I think I am feeling better, but I get hit from the back of my head by something else. I've had pneumonia, pancreatitus...which in and of itself was the worse hospitalization ever.

I want to stop. I want to stop...with tears streaming down my face, I want to STOP. I am done. I am not strong enough. I can't work, get chemo, go to the hospital, get surgery, go to work, get chemo, get shots, get blood, get fluids...it is never ending! I always thought myself a strong individual, but I obviously am weak when it comes to this...so a trip to my doctor's office on Tuesday will end up in me talking to Dr. Chawla about what my real prognosis at this time is and what stopping will do...at least for awhile, until I am healthier.

I heard from Dr. Fink's office that "after" this clinical trial I can piggyback or hitchhike to another...which got me thinking...so this clinical trial isn't it. I am not going to be done. I am going to have to do this for a long time. How do people do this? I am spent. I need to find an apartment that I can afford on my measly social security disability payment and get it, quit my job and just do this...which makes me even sadder. This will be my life...chemo home rest chemo home rest...new trial, home rest. Will it end? What kind of quality of life is that?

Not a good week for me.